This time three months ago, this time a year ago

This time three months ago we were just getting to our post-partum room. Nurses were giving a jumble of instructions to Robby and me. I had just finished nursing Davy for the first time and was enjoying some face time with him. Davy and I had some private time-just the two of us- while Robby went and helped my dad get into the hospital and before the rest of our family came in. Now, I am typing this while Robby is taking his turn trying to get Davy to sleep. His schedule has been a bit off the past couple of days since our trip to Mobile this past weekend. We went down because yesterday was the first anniversary of the death of Robby's father. It's hard to remember exactly what we were experiencing at this exact moment one year ago. I know that about three days later was when we decided we were going to have Davy (well, at the time we didn't know it was Davy we were going to have- we just wanted to have a baby in general). It seems that a lifetime of events have passed in the blink of an eye. We've all heard that time heals all wounds. Ha-I can attest to the physical truth of that. I hope that Robby feels better tonight than he did a year ago. I hope that a year from now I will feel better about how Davy ended up arriving than I do tonight. Regardless of how that happened, though, I'm so glad he is here. Even if he has been restless the past three nights! He is the light of our lives.

Dear Davy

Dear Davy,

To start, I love you madly. I mean that, too. I love you such that I would go outside the norms of society to protect you. If I were to ever lose you, I would surely lose my mind.

I recently read a poem another mother wrote about her time with her newborn son (born a week or two before you). She wrote about how her son will never remember these early months and moments, but she will never forget. There is so much truth in that. I don't think anything could truly have prepared me for how bittersweet motherhood really is. First the pain/excitement of the arrival your arrival. Then, from the moment you take your first breaths you start to grow and develop oh-so-fast. Every one talks about how fast it goes and I now realize that it is a parent's lament. You have to learn to fully exist in the present moment. I love the way you are right now- 11 weeks and 3 days old. The way you look. The way you smell. How you respond to the world around you. Still, I always look forward to the things you will be able to do in the future- crawling, walking, talking...calculus (Haha! No, seriously, I do expect you to do it.;-))- but at the same time I miss the tiny baby that I first knew, that creature of reflexes and quiet alertness. I know that only in a matter of months, I am going to desperately miss my three month old while reveling in the accomplishments of my ever growing boy.

You are my firstborn and therefore will always be a little extraspecial...and not just because you managed to survive my inexperience! You will teach me as much or more than I teach you. You are the first expansion of my heart.

My eternal love,

Mom

Davy's Big Adventure

This past weekend the whole family went to mobile for the first time. We were going down just to attend some friends' wedding, but decided that while we were down there it would probably be good to have Davy baptized as well. Originally we were going to have him baptized at our church in Birmingham, but having it done in Mobile just made more sense because more family and friends could attend and we were going down there anyway!

Davy did very well both on the drive down and back. Very minimal fussiness, though he did not even come close to sleeping the whole way! We left around 10:45 Friday morning and did not get to Mobile until 3:45. Whoa! That's a major difference in time of travel for us, but it's ok. We did have to stop to feed both Davy and ourselves, so that took up a good bit of time.

On Saturday morning we went to the Chili Cook-off with my mom, stepdad, my grandfather and his wife. Davy was a real trooper here too! No chili for him though, because I am not a chili-eater (though there were one or two chilis there that I tried that were too bad). The wedding was at 4:30 Saturday afternoon/evening. Davy wore a cute little outfit that his Auntie Dina got for him before he was born. He was a hit at the wedding- which was GORGEOUS, by the way! Some nice lady was dying to hold him so that my husband and I could dance if we wanted, she claimed. He started to get a little antsy at the start of the ceremony, but Robby stood up with him and he was fine. After the ceremony, I wrapped him up in the Moby and carried him around that way for pretty much the rest of the evening. He actually went to sleep for about an hour or so, but woke up when Robby and I tried to slow dance (yes, he was still in the wrap).

We went to 9am mass on Sunday morning. The baptism was after that mass. There were so many people there! A few surprises too! My Aunt Bobbie, who is pretty ill, came. The was a reception at Robby's mother's house after the ceremony. Davy got passed around a good bit before he got tired and cranky. Poor guy had had quite a busy morning for him! Usually he gets up, we play, he takes a nap. This morning they put water and oil on his head! Yeesh! Fortunately I was able to put him in his sling and he went to sleep no problems. He actually does pretty well with crowds for not being around them very often. We will see how he does in later months, though.

All in all a good weekend, though we are glad to be home!

Goal

So here I still am four weeks from starting this thing. Amazing. And I still have more things to write! New goal: Four more weeks. I really need to go to bed as I currently have a sleeping baby, but I just thought I would post a bit on how my last- Thank God it finally came!- post-op visit went. The doctor is pleased that it healed (I guess sometimes they don't?), but while he was palpating the area he came across a "knot." I have been feeling several of these little "knots" for weeks now and I knew exactly what they were from the very start of feeling them- sutures. I even had one sticking out of a tiny hole at the edge of my wound for a while (I managed to cut it with a nail scissor so that it finally stayed inside long enough for the skin to heal over it). I was going to ask how long it would take them to dissolve (I mean, really, it has been 10 weeks today). I didn't get a chance. After feeling the "knot" the doctor realized what he was feeling and said, "Oh, those are permanent." Fabulous. Fan-flipping-tastic. So. At this point I am wondering- and please, excuse my language- if I am screwed over. My options now are: 1) just give up the VBAC and have another C-section so they can take the sutures out then; 2) have the VBAC if I can find a doctor who will let me-I wonder if this will decrease my chances- and if it all works out, then have a surgery to remove the sutures OR live with the sutures for the rest of my life. More sarcastic words- Lovely, divine, so much fun. AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am SO fed up with this mess! Now, please note, I am so very glad that we have a happy healthy little Davy. But I just feel that all of this could have been avoided. I feel like we could have at least delayed the C-section after we got Davy's heart rate back up. I feel like we never should have started Pitocin in the first place. I wish we could have had a doula there with us to help speak for us, because when you are in labor- at least when I was in labor- it is next to impossible to speak up or even remember the decisions that you philosophically believe in and want to make. Ok, got to stop. Got to go to sleep.

Sometimes I feel like I missed Davy's first few weeks of life. Between combatting the initial pain from the C-section with the fever then going back to the hospital (we got out the day he was two weeks old) and dealing with the second surgery/Wound VAC, those first few weeks were nothing like I had ever planned or dreamed. I had pictured our little family snuggled up in bed, Robby and I just gazing at our beautiful little baby for long stretches of time. I imagined really being good about tummy time from the beginning...which is not really a huge loss, but still. I wanted to be able to focus on us, instead I was distracted by all the junk. Don't get me wrong, we still got to spend lots of time together, but we were separated for a lot of it. I couldn't get down on the floor or lay down flat in a bed. Robby couldn't get into the hospital bed if I had Davy with me there. I didn't get to give Davy his bath. With the Wound VAC acting as a sort of external umbilical cord, it was difficult for me to rock or walk with Davy when he needed soothing. I'm glad and grateful for what we had, but I miss those stolen moments and dreams.

Busy Boy

Davy has had an eventful weekend and Monday! First, on Friday he took his first trip to the library for the annual Friends of the Library book sale! I spent $32 on bargain-priced children's books. Yeah. That equals more than 32 books- yay Mommy! They had a boy carry them out to the car for me. Also, our Moby Wrap came on Friday, so I took the opportunity to try it out at the book sale and both it and Davy were a major hit with all the women working the sale. Then, on Saturday my dad and his wife and their kids all came over for a visit. They hadn't seen Davy since he was about a week old and couldn't believe how he's grown. We went back to the book sale, too. On Sunday Davy attended his first Mass. We sat in the choir loft with the choir since that is where we'll be once I start singing on Sundays again. He did pretty well until after communion. The eleven o'clock Mass is a bit long, though, so I expected he might get antsy at some point. Otherwise, he loved the music (he started hearing it about 5 months before he was born) and he examined one of the stained-glass windows for quite a while. Finally, he had his two month well-baby check-up today. He weighs 12lbs 10oz (75th percentile) and is 22.5 inches long (50th percentile). Also, his head circumference measured 75th percentile. Maybe that's why we have so much trouble keeping a hat on that round noggin! The doctor said he looked great, then it was time for his vaccinations. I was more nervous about this part than I thought I would be, but I think I did a pretty good job hiding it from Davy. I think the first shot is the worst. The nurse jabs that huge (well, it seems huge for a little baby) needle so deep into his little thigh. For a few seconds it doesn't register, then he finally realizes how much it hurts. :'( Ugh. It's awful. It's important, but it's awful. Heartbreaking. I held his hand while he cried and cried. The second shot wasn't as bad as the first because he was already crying, but in between legs (yes! two in each leg!) he calmed down a bit and it was almost like the first time again when she jabbed him again in the other leg. After all four shots were over Robby popped the Soothie in Davy's mouth and the poor little guy was almost immediately calm. I could tell he was still hurt and even a bit traumatized, but he was quiet. So brave for such a little guy. (I know it isn't really bravery at this stage, but allow me to romanticize my baby's emotions.) He did very well on the ride home- no crying at all. He slept for a good bit of today, either on top of me or in his Moby wrap. I think he earned it. He would be a little fussy whenever he started to wake up, but otherwise I got several glimpses of my happy man. So wonderfully sweet!

Brighter Morning

I don't know if it's the fact that Davy and I snuggled and slept until 8:45 this morning (and he woke up as my Mr. Happy Morning Man) or that yesterday afternoon I turned on some Sufjan Stevens and while Davy cried in his sling through the first song I had a really good hard cry with him or that I have plans to go to a movie with a girlfriend tonight or that yesterday I wrote down how I was feeling without holding back, but I feel SO much better today. I think it is a combination of all those things. More later!