Goal

So here I still am four weeks from starting this thing. Amazing. And I still have more things to write! New goal: Four more weeks. I really need to go to bed as I currently have a sleeping baby, but I just thought I would post a bit on how my last- Thank God it finally came!- post-op visit went. The doctor is pleased that it healed (I guess sometimes they don't?), but while he was palpating the area he came across a "knot." I have been feeling several of these little "knots" for weeks now and I knew exactly what they were from the very start of feeling them- sutures. I even had one sticking out of a tiny hole at the edge of my wound for a while (I managed to cut it with a nail scissor so that it finally stayed inside long enough for the skin to heal over it). I was going to ask how long it would take them to dissolve (I mean, really, it has been 10 weeks today). I didn't get a chance. After feeling the "knot" the doctor realized what he was feeling and said, "Oh, those are permanent." Fabulous. Fan-flipping-tastic. So. At this point I am wondering- and please, excuse my language- if I am screwed over. My options now are: 1) just give up the VBAC and have another C-section so they can take the sutures out then; 2) have the VBAC if I can find a doctor who will let me-I wonder if this will decrease my chances- and if it all works out, then have a surgery to remove the sutures OR live with the sutures for the rest of my life. More sarcastic words- Lovely, divine, so much fun. AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am SO fed up with this mess! Now, please note, I am so very glad that we have a happy healthy little Davy. But I just feel that all of this could have been avoided. I feel like we could have at least delayed the C-section after we got Davy's heart rate back up. I feel like we never should have started Pitocin in the first place. I wish we could have had a doula there with us to help speak for us, because when you are in labor- at least when I was in labor- it is next to impossible to speak up or even remember the decisions that you philosophically believe in and want to make. Ok, got to stop. Got to go to sleep.