Drifting in Limbo

Why am I still feeling this way sometimes? I've turned into a pseudo-insomniac for thinking about it. For much of the day I can completely immerse myself in Davy- caring for him, smiling at him, et cetera. Other times I can get lost in a favorite television show or talking to Robby. But then there are times when I feel completely helpless and useless. Times when I feel like a boat that has come untethered, just drifting. During these times I wish I could just feel something...strongly? I wish I could feel something when my husband tells me he thinks I am beautiful. I wish I could feel some sort of sense of accomplishment. I wish I didn't still feel bad about the way things happened, because they could have been so much worse- I could have had a hysterectomy, or the worst possible scenario could have occurred and Davy might have suffered from the risks of C-section instead of me. And because I still feel bad about it, I feel weak. Like....like a loser. There is no sense in feeling this way, but I do. It just hits me and I have no control over it. Maybe that's what is the worst part- not having control. I think because of the way I grew up I have been a little bit of a control freak over my own life for a while now and it either ticks me off or gets me down when I lose that. I start to feel powerless. **And if my parents are reading this, don't feel bad about the way we grew up. I am not dissatisfied with the person that I am, just the way that person seems to feel at the moment! I wish I could go to some alternate universe where there wasn't a divorce and see how that Kaleigh turned out. I bet there is no Davy in that universe, which is sad.** I almost wish I just wanted to sleep through all this, so at least it would have a name, but I don't. I can't sleep. When I try to fall asleep there is nothing else to occupy me and all I can do is think about how rotten I feel...and then feel rotten for feeling rotten still...and I end up staying awake. I hate this limbo world. I wish there wasn't this in-between where it isn't terrible but it isn't good. I wish I would stop being such a whiner and get over it already. I wish I could take back control.