Session 3? Searching for Something Like Feeling Normal

Post-partum was full of surprises. First of all, I somehow skipped over the whole night sweats thing in all my reading about pregnancy and PP. I should have made some pajamas out of some old towels. Much more surprising were the emotions and thoughts I didn't expect to feel or have. In all the preparation and talk about going unmedicated/natural with the delivery I wanted to make sure I kept an open mind. Situations arise and plans have to change. That's the nature of childbirth and trying to do what is best for mom and baby. So, I never thought that I would feel so...wrong about it afterward. It didn't even hit me right away. The entire time I was in the hospital, I was perfectly fine. We went home on a Friday and on Sunday evening I looked at myself in the mirror and the thoughts hit me like a tidal wave. I didn't get to have my baby the way a woman should get to have her baby. I felt like some part of my femininity had been ripped away from me. I started to think about how the doctor said, "Well your next baby will be a planned C-section..." The full implication of those words were like an anvil. I might never get to have my baby that way = I might never fully feel like a woman. [At least those have been my thoughts.] Then I started to think about labor- how if I have a planned C-section there is a good chance I will never get to feel the pain of labor again. I am probably romanticizing it now because of that possibility, but I feel like that pain is a privilege. The pain is almost sweet. I was so excited to feel it because that meant that after all the waiting and planning I was finally going to meet Davy. It is a pain specially prescribed to women. It is trusted to us and belongs to us. I don't want to lose that. It lets us know that all our 10 months of hard work have not been in vain. On a lesser note, I don't want my child's birthday to just be selected for him or her. I want them to come in their own time (unless of course after 41 weeks they don't show signs of appearing on their own).
In recent days, I have been really dealing with having already had the C-section and I think I have made some break-throughs. First, though I have repeatedly told myself I don't feel this way, I think I am experiencing something like a feeling of failure. All my life, I have pretty much accomplished everything I have set myself to do. I'm just not accustomed to major things like this not working out for me. It's hard to keep in mind that it was really beyond my control to a certain extent. I keep thinking that maybe there was something I could have done differently- maybe if I had stood up longer, or been able (you can't really when you are attached to the monitors) walk around just a little bit more. But, truly, I did a good deal of that. I probably was standing for at least 5-7 hours of the labor. Then I think, well, we were SO close, maybe if I had just held on a little longer. The issue with that is exactly how long does one wait? Do you wait until you can't handle the contractions any longer, until you are too exhausted to push the baby out on your and you end up having the baby delivered by vacuum or forceps or C-section anyway? I was starting to fall asleep in between contractions, after all. But really, how long do you let it drag on? Until the risk of continuing is greater to the baby than the risk of C-section? I don't know.
I also never thought I would be the type of woman who would miss being pregnant, but I do...in a way. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I felt a sort of empowerment through my pregnant body. Towards the end of the pregnancy I did start to miss my small waist and my old clothes, but you don't get those back right away. I think the feeling of "missing" that body is really more a feeling of...shock or confusion. We go through 40 weeks of progressive change, which can be jarring when you really think about it at the time but it isn't quite so shocking because it is gradual. Then once the baby is delivered- BAM, rapid change. The problem is that rapid change is to a body that you have never seen before (if it's your first baby, I guess, I don't know how it is with subsequent ones...). It is a startling thing! The last body you were familiar with was your pregnant body so naturally that is something you would long for- because nothing is familiar anymore. There's nothing wrong with the unfamiliarity because it is the expansion of your family, your heart, but so much change is overwhelming at the very least.
On a lighter note- breastfeeding surprises! Again, we were very fortunate that Davy was a natural at the whole breastfeeding thing. I had expected it to be more difficult than it was. The only trouble we really had was that in the early days it was difficult to keep him awake during feedings (maybe something to do with the Percocet?). What I didn't expect was that breastfeeding could be so....messy. I think that virtually every surface in our house must have a little bit of milk on it from those first few weeks. Wow! Versailles had nothing on me!